Water Cooler Chat With A Conscience

Sunday, August 19, 2007

La Guerra

For years black women have struggled with our hair....if we relax it are we selling out..trying to be white.....if we let it go natural do we forego our tenderheaded-ness, and accept that while we are not part of society's mainstream of beauty, we are still beautiful nonetheless....if we loc it, will that fly in the professional world...i must admit....i am one of those women entrenched in that struggle...back when i was 23 i felt the need for great change...and i off all my hair...at that time it was relaxed, just below my shoulders, and i was rockin a fly farrah....couldn't tell me i wasn't cute...but there was some unrest on the inside...i felt a strong tug of war with what society was tellin me was beautiful...and what i personally felt was beautiful...it was THE YEAR for supermodel alek wek, and while my friends couldn't see what was so stunning about her ("she's dark as all get out, has a gap between her teeth, skinny as a rail and has no hair...NOT CUTE")...i took one look at her and said "wow"....for me she was black beauty to the nth degree....not because she wasn't a mainstream beauty, but b/c she was so comfortable in her own skin - she literally GLOWED on the pages.... she had no hair...all the other black models had weaves as long as the Great Wall of China...she had a gap in between her teeth but she always gave the camera a wide, toothy grin....other models had their teeth airbrushed to look perfect....my point is she was lovely, and graceful, and stunningly gorgeous, and she was herself....so....i became a copycat artist and chopped off mine too....except i didn't feel pretty....at that time, to me...i looked like a boy....and when i had no makeup on i looked like a butch lesbian...i hated it..i hated everything about having short hair and couldn't wait to relax it again...when i looked in the mirror all i saw was ugly....and as soon as i had more than an inch of growth, i picked up a box of dark n' lovely......

Fast forward 7 years and now i'm about to be 30...i have come a very long way from 23, and i don't battle with my looks anymore...i have grown to reallize that my external beauty shines to compliment the beauty i was already blessed with...the beauty the lies within....however....i am still at war with my hair...but this time it's not for aesthetic reasons, but for personal reasons...natural hair = patience of a saint and full acceptance of my own unique beauty...the patience to let it grow...the patience to let it do whatever the hell it's going to do...the patience to learn to love my hair, kinks and all...the ability to wear my hair FOR ME...not for what this guy or that guy says he likes, but for what i like...what I think is beautiful...for me, my hair represents full acceptance and love for myself, inside and out....oddly enough though, this year of my life, age 29, has been all about learning true patience, and learnig to remain true to myself...to love myself...waiting on God to do what he needs to do so that he can bless me...patience truly is a virtue, and not being patient has taught me many lessons at age 29...not being true to myself has taught me many lessons at age 29....perhaps if i go into 30 exercising patience and truth, i can begin walking in my many blessings, instead of learning many more lessons...

"I am not my hair, I am not this skin...I am not your expectations, no....I am not my hair, I am not this skin...I am the soul that lives within..."

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