so SHE says

Water Cooler Chat With A Conscience

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Learning To Fly

Great girlfriends have this uncanny way of peeling off every layer of self protective bullshit that you've managed to cocoon yourself in. They peel and peel and pick and pick until you're left standing in front of the mirror face to face, bruised up knees to bruised up knees, broken pinky toe to broken pinky toe with your fatally flawed self. They force you to look at your whole self - not just the parts you like - or the parts you've learned how to enhance with a good bra, six inch heels, or MAC mascara - but the whole entire unrefined, jiggly in some places, reminiscent of chicken fat in other places, tragic collision of cells that make up YOU. And then they do the one thing that if it was coming from anyone else you'd be sure to punch them in the mouth and call them a liar - they tell you you're absolutely, fabulously, wonderfully beautiful - fatal flaws and all. Oh don't be fooled - they see the flaws, but they tell you how to fix them - and reassure you that they will be with you every step of the way. They call you out on your bullshit reasons for wanting to have a plume du nomb, and help you to see that your once believed (if even in your own head) fear of failure is irrational - and you in turn decide that of all your irrational fears, that's one your okay to part with. That is the beauty and wonderfullness of the girlfriend bond - it is sometimes like a much needed punch in the head. But once the pain passes, it's amazing how much clearer you can see. Girlfriends release you from your shit cocoon to show you that while you've been tucked away in your own personal pile of manure, you've grown a set of magnificent wings - and that if you would just take that one little peek...that one little step...that one little breath out into the world around you, you'd see that you are definitely ready to fly. You're ready for the world, and the world - well it's been waiting for you.

So, here's to my girlfriends, and the cocoon I'm leaving on a street corner in St. Louis - thank you.

Friday, December 14, 2007

26 Letters - But Only 1 Matters

26 letters comprise the english alphabet. Out of all of them, only one matters to me. C. C is the first letter in a slew of powerful words.

Christ. Child. Children. Commitment. Coexistence. Cohabitaion. Courage. College. Can't. Control.

One of these words is my personal favorite b/c without it, none of the others would be possible. That word is COURAGE. 7 letters. 2 syllables. From the Latin word "cor", meaning "heart", which remains a common metaphor for inner strength.* A noun: a quality of spirit that enables you to face danger or pain without showing fear. Hence - COURAGE is my favorite word. "C" is my favorite letter.

You need courage for just about every voluntary thing you do in this life. You need courage to profess with your mouth that you follow a certain religion. Courage is needed to live your life in the way that is best for you. Courage allows parents to stand by children that may have done the unthinkable - and support them no matter what. Courage is absolutely mandatory to be able to stand up for what's right, especially when the rest of the crowd is screaming that you are wrong. Without courage, the abused and battered wife and mother is not able to say "I can't live this life with my children anymore. I am taking control back. I'm leaving." . Every person that has ever made a difference in this world, whether it be a difference for the better, or a difference for the worse - has needed courage. Courage is what allows us to do and be who we are. Courage. Courage. Meditate on it. COURAGE.

There is one other thing that courage is an absolute MUST for. I purposely close out with this thought b/c for me, it is the one thing that takes the most courage.


It takes an immense amount of courage to love. To love yourself, to love others - it takes courage. When you summons up the courage to open your heart, spirit and soul to give someone else permission to stroll through your mentality, pick it apart, and then put it back together - all in the name of love and allow someone into the hallows of your past - the pretty and the not so pretty....when you summons up the courage to do all of the aforementioned, and lay your heart at someone's feet (or even at your own), you are allowing yourself to be incredibly vulnerable, with faith that while your heart is at their feet, they will tread lightly - or even tiptoe. You are saying "I trust you to use care with my use care with my use care with my not hurt me give the same to me that I am giving to you". That, my friends, takes much more faith than a mustard seed...and the reward is much greater than a red badge. The reward is courage. The reward is love. And that is precisely what love is - courage.

*courage. (n.d.). Online Etymology Dictionary. Retrieved December 14, 2007, from website:

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Whispers and Footprints

Where did she go? The girl I was at at 6 - tearing up and down the street - the only girl in an all boy crew - rough and tumble in a dress. Laughable, playful, yet eerily serious at times - but inhaling all of life around me - the good and the bad. The girl I was at 16 - cheering on the sidelines in my green, black, and white cheer uniform - pirouetting on stage in my black leotard and pink ballet skirt - only to change into my jeans and boots to once again be the only girl in an all boy crew - this time rough and tumble in a tutu....hahahaha (sorry - sometimes I amuse myself). Still laughable....but laughing always at all things...still incredibly playful - not caring what anyone (or anyone's mama) thought of me....worked my style in my way on my time....purposely one season behind vogue....i brought sexy back long before sexy was even sexy. The girl I was at 25 (woman in age and development, but I often still felt like a young girl in my spirit) - loving life, moving like a freight train towards my goals, focused to a fault, balanced in mind, soul, and spirit.

Where did she go? She disappeared for a few years - someone said it was because she stopped inhaling the life around her, and began inhaling the noxious fumes of another, slipped into a coma, and many feared she might not return to them. The girl I once was had disappered. In 2 years time I had become a whisper of the girl I once was, and was in danger of losing sight of the footprints left behind - never being able to find my way back. I was walking far, far away from my spirit - glancing back periodically...and everytime I would catch a glimpse of my former self, that glance would last a little longer, and a little longer - until one day I simply looked. I stayed still and looked at who I used to be - and who I had become. I looked into a mirror and suddenly didn't recognize my own face. I spoke on the phone and didn't recognize my own voice. I wrote lyrics and my hand didn't recognize the pen and paper - my mental didn't recognize the word formations. Who had I become? Where did I go? Could I find my way back? And then I did what one might call unthinkable - I EXHALED. Now yes, that sounds so cliche - and I'm certainly no Whitney Houston, but Lord KNOWS that I imagined that Angela Basset scene (you KNOW which one I'm talking about - there's ONLY one) time and time again. But that was it. I simply exhaled. I exhaled the life around me - the people around me - the falseness around me - I simply exhaled. Once I exhaled, there was room for my spirit to for my soul to move around and expand.

I'm still exhaling...but I'm also inhaling. Once again I'm the only girl in an all boy wrecking crew...and I love it. Rough and tumble in stillettos. I certainly believe I am now the truest me I've ever been. Waking up from a coma is not always easy. Sometimes you remember absolutely nothing. But my spirit had this way of not letting me forget. That's how I know that I can be no one but myself - and how I know that I am absolutely sure of the person I am. My spirit wouldn't let me forget. I'm still eerily serious at times, still laughable and still playful....and I love it....No longer a whisper of the girl I used to be....but a screaming banshee of the girl I AM.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Remembering Roach

On August 16, 2007 the jazz world lost a legend...the social world lost a fierce activist...the worlds greatest jazz percussionist, Max Roach passed away at the age of 83, after suffering from a long illness.

There will never be another - the TRUE man, myth, and legend....

Below is a tribute done to him on NPR's "Democracy Now w/Amy Goodman"

Farewell to Roach...Rap-a-tap-tap....

The Ants Go Marching One by One....

In the words of acclaimed musician/playwright/poet/activist Amiri Baraka, after hearing the news that Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez had resigned, effective immediately....

"It seems to me that all of Mr. Presidents men are dying on the vine, one by one. It's just a shame that Mr. Gonzalez resigned before he had the opportunity to arrest himself."

Saturday, August 25, 2007

2 Timothy 1:7

For the first time in a very long time, i find myself somewhat afraid....not of a person...not of an animal...but of failure, my own potential, and the path that lies before me....which is rather ironic b/c i am the biggest proponent for following the path that God lays out before of my quotes is "imagine how great we could all be if we stopped tip-toeing around our potential and finally began living in it"....that's me...i made that up....and now here i am...standing at the mouth of the road that leads to the fulfillment of my potential is staring at me, into me...waiting for me to pick it up and run like i stole something....and i'm looking back but not fully..scared to make eye contact...scared NOT to make eye contact....

it's rare that one is given the gift of knowing what their purpose is (newsflash: we all have one)'s even more rare that one actually takes the gift of knowledge and follows the gift givers path to fulfillment (in laymans's not often that one will sit still long enough and listen closely enough to follow the path that God lays before them, to fulfill said purpose) 23 i was blessed with the gift of 24 i began walking that 29 i'm standing at the mouth of the next road...leading me evercloser to the land of fulfillment....the path is clear..there are no obstacles (at least not yet)...and while i am not paralyzed by fear....i am a little afraid of the beauty of the (un) purpose is a beautiful one...the road is a beautiful one...the attributes that will carry this purpose to the land of fulfillment are beautiful blessing from divine hands....truly beautiful things...all things that i have been blessed with to move me down this road...yet i'm afraid....

i am blessed with the unique opportunity to forever affect the world by working with at risk youth...something i truly truly love to is where my heart passion's what i like to call my "lifework"....the fear of failing God is intimidating me...i mean, come on...when the man upstairs hands down instructions, it's kind of a big deal...the fear of my own potential is intimidating me...and i must's a very strange feeling....knowing that truly...the sky is the limit....the phrase "if you can dream it you can have it" is very real to me right now...if anyone reading this actually knows me, you know that i have a vivid imagination...and i'm the girl who doesn't quite understand the meaning of the word "no" when it comes to philanthropy...or simply "doing the right thing" - and my purpose is just that...a matter of "doing the right thing"...i just keep going until i get an answer i knowing this about me...and knowing that i'm at this unique place in my can understand the hesitation in putting my toe in the road...

then i got 2 Timothy 1:7, and it hit me like a ton of bricks...and my decision was made in that instant...i am looking my potential in the eye...and we're having a little conversation...but i'm doing most of the talking...going a little something like this:

potential: so...what are you gonna do?
me: baby..i'm gonna ride this thing till the wheels fall off.....end of story

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


If you say in one breath that no one has the right to play God with someone elses life, and then in the next breath that you are all for capitol punishment, are you contradicting yourself?