Water Cooler Chat With A Conscience

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Whispers and Footprints

Where did she go? The girl I was at at 6 - tearing up and down the street - the only girl in an all boy crew - rough and tumble in a dress. Laughable, playful, yet eerily serious at times - but inhaling all of life around me - the good and the bad. The girl I was at 16 - cheering on the sidelines in my green, black, and white cheer uniform - pirouetting on stage in my black leotard and pink ballet skirt - only to change into my jeans and boots to once again be the only girl in an all boy crew - this time rough and tumble in a tutu....hahahaha (sorry - sometimes I amuse myself). Still laughable....but laughing always at all things...still incredibly playful - not caring what anyone (or anyone's mama) thought of me....worked my style in my way on my time....purposely one season behind vogue....i brought sexy back long before sexy was even sexy. The girl I was at 25 (woman in age and development, but I often still felt like a young girl in my spirit) - loving life, moving like a freight train towards my goals, focused to a fault, balanced in mind, soul, and spirit.

Where did she go? She disappeared for a few years - someone said it was because she stopped inhaling the life around her, and began inhaling the noxious fumes of another, slipped into a coma, and many feared she might not return to them. The girl I once was had disappered. In 2 years time I had become a whisper of the girl I once was, and was in danger of losing sight of the footprints left behind - never being able to find my way back. I was walking far, far away from my spirit - glancing back periodically...and everytime I would catch a glimpse of my former self, that glance would last a little longer, and a little longer - until one day I simply looked. I stayed still and looked at who I used to be - and who I had become. I looked into a mirror and suddenly didn't recognize my own face. I spoke on the phone and didn't recognize my own voice. I wrote lyrics and my hand didn't recognize the pen and paper - my mental didn't recognize the word formations. Who had I become? Where did I go? Could I find my way back? And then I did what one might call unthinkable - I EXHALED. Now yes, that sounds so cliche - and I'm certainly no Whitney Houston, but Lord KNOWS that I imagined that Angela Basset scene (you KNOW which one I'm talking about - there's ONLY one) time and time again. But that was it. I simply exhaled. I exhaled the life around me - the people around me - the falseness around me - I simply exhaled. Once I exhaled, there was room for my spirit to breathe...room for my soul to move around and expand.

I'm still exhaling...but I'm also inhaling. Once again I'm the only girl in an all boy wrecking crew...and I love it. Rough and tumble in stillettos. I certainly believe I am now the truest me I've ever been. Waking up from a coma is not always easy. Sometimes you remember absolutely nothing. But my spirit had this way of not letting me forget. That's how I know that I can be no one but myself - and how I know that I am absolutely sure of the person I am. My spirit wouldn't let me forget. I'm still eerily serious at times, still laughable and still playful....and I love it....No longer a whisper of the girl I used to be....but a screaming banshee of the girl I AM.

No comments: